Facemask
By John Cosper
CHARACTERS
Gabbard and
Knight – Football coaches
Klinger
– A linebacker
Coaches
Gabbard and Knight stand on the sidelines of a football field. Knight is
reading the paper. Gabbard is watching practice.
GABBARD: (blows
whistle) Come on,
you maggots! What’s wrong with you? You hit like that on Friday, you’re going
to get killed out there! Let’s go!
KNIGHT:
Take a look at this, Gabbard. “Study shows students who make abstinence pledge
no less likely to have sex.”
GABBARD:
You don’t say?
KNIGHT:
Like I needed a study to tell me that. Working with teens year in, year out, I
coulda told you that.
GABBARD:
Told me what?
KNIGHT: Kids are gonna
have sex, no matter what you tell ‘em.
GABBARD:
Malcolm! Where’s your man? You stick to him like glue, you hear me?
KNIGHT: All
these holier-than-thou types keep insisting we teach abstinence. Maybe this’ll
shut them up.
GABBARD:
Shut who up?
KNIGHT: The
Christians, the right wing, do-gooder who think we’re still living in the 50’s
and insist we teach abstinence. Maybe now they’ll shut up and let us give out
condoms.
GABBARD:
Duggins! Keep your head up!
KNIGHT:
Yes, sir, this is gonna make teaching health class a whole lot easier.
GABBARD:
What is?
KNIGHT:
Safe sex, Gabbard. The kids are gonna do it, so why keep pretending they’re
gonna listen when we say don’t have sex?
GABBARD:
It’s the only way to avoid disease and teen pregnancy, not to mention the
emotional harm.
KNIGHT: If
we give ‘em protection and counseling, they’ll be fine.
GABBARD: I
suppose you’re right. Why try to teach them rules when they’re just going to
break them?
KNIGHT:
Exactly.
GABBARD: No
sense teaching something that’s going in one ear and out the other. No matter
how good it is for them.
KNIGHT: You
said it.
GABBARD: (blows
whistle) Klinger!
Get over here!
Klinger
jogs on in pads and helmet.
GABBARD:
You grabbed the facemask again, didn’t you?
KLINGER:
I’m sorry, Coach. I was just trying to make the tackle.
GABBARD:
Sorry? Klinger, we have rules in this game for a reason. To protect you, and
the other players.
KLINGER: I
know, I know. But it’s hard not to grab it sometimes.
GABBARD:
You know, when you’re right, you’re right. (blows whistle) Everyone, listen up! The facemask
rule is out.
KLINGER:
What?
KNIGHT:
What???
GABBARD: As
of right now, facemasks, horse collars, and late hits are all legal.
KLINGER:
You serious, Coach?
GABBARD:
Why try to teach you there are rule when you’re just going to break them?
KLINGER:
But Coach—
GABBARD: Go
on, get out there!
Klinger
trots off.
KNIGHT: Are
you crazy? You can’t let them play like that.
GABBARD:
They’re gonna do it whether we tell them to or not.
KNIGHT:
What of somebody gets killed?
GABBARD:
They have protection on. What harm can we do.
A crack
and a scream is heard off stage.
GABBARD:
Nice tackle, Klinger! Way to pull that facemask!
KNIGHT:
What’s the matter with Thompson?
GABBARD:
Hey, Thompson, this isn’t nap time! Get back in that huddle.
KNIGHT:
He’s not moving.
GABBARD:
No, he’s not.
KNIGHT:
Thompson’s not moving! Why isn’t Thompson moving?
GABBARD: I
think he broke his freaking neck.
KNIGHT: We
need a medic!
GABBARD: I
think he broke his freaking neck.
KNIGHT: You
killed him! You got him killed with your stupid rule changes!
GABBARD:
Come on, it’s Klinger. He was gonna do it whether we told him to or not.
Klinger
enters, crying.
GABBARD: Klinger!
What’s the matter with you?
KLINGER: I
think I broke his freaking neck.
GABBARD:
See? I told you he broke his freaking neck.
KNIGHT: How
could you be so reckless?
KLINGER:
Coach said it was okay.
KNIGHT:
Okay? You could have got him killed.
GABBARD:
Relax, both of you. A little counseling, and you’ll all be just fine.
Copyright 2008 by Righteous
Insanity