I Love Christian Rock

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Tammy, Erica, Charity

[DIRECTOR’S NOTE: Any Christian artist can be substituted for Jeremy Camp. As with all our skits, this is laced with sarcasm. We don’t think Christian artists should be objects of lust, but let’s face it… Christian artists are marketed with sex appeal just like the secular, and like everyone else, we buy it.]

Tammy, Erica, and Charity run on stage up to a guard rail down center. They face the audience, which to them is the concert stage. They are all wearing "I LOVE JEREMY CAMP… like a sister" T-shirts.

TAMMY- I can’t believe this! We’re actually here!

ERICA- First ones here! Front and center.

CHARITY- Look how close we are!

TAMMY- So close to that beautiful voice!

ERICA- That beautiful talent!

CHARITY- That beautiful hair!

TAMMY- Jeremy Camp is the greatest Christian rock star ever!

ERICA- I love his music!

CHARITY- I love everything about that man.

TAMMY He’s so deep!

ERICA- He’s so spiritual!

CHARITY- He’s so dreamy!

TAMMY- And that voice! He’s got the greatest voice!

ERICA- It’s like an angel!

CHARITY- And when his poetry combines with his music… it touches you!

TAMMY- I know! I can feel it in my heart!

ERICA- My soul!

CHARITY- My loins!

Brief pause, then they go on.

CHARITY- I mean, with the volume turned up so loud, you kinda feel it everywhere.

TAMMY- Yeah you do.

ERICA- It just adds to the experience. His music takes you over.

TAMMY- Can you imagine what it would be like to meet him?

ERICA- Only every night!

CHARITY- A deep, spiritual guy like that?

TAMMY- What I wouldn’t give to have coffee with him!

ERICA- To do a Bible study.

CHARITY- To rip his clothes off!!

The other girls look at Charity.

CHARITY- Metaphorically speaking.

TAMMY- Of course.

ERICA- Right.

TAMMY- Stripping away the spiritual façade to know the man better in his heart.

ERICA- His mind.

CHARITY- His loins.

They look at Charity again.

TAMMY- Charity, you know he’s married, right?

CHARITY- No he’s not.

TAMMY- Uh, yeah he is! To that girl from The Benjamin Gate.

CHARITY- Hey, let a girl have her fantasy.

TAMMY- Fantasy? Charity, he’s MARRIED! That’s lust.

CHARITY- And I suppose you never thought of him that way?

Tammy and Erica speak at the same time.

TAMMY- No.

ERICA- Yes!

TAMMY- Erica??

ERICA- Oh come on, Tammy. How can you not lust for him?

TAMMY- Because it’s wrong. He’s a Christian singer. And he’s married. And he’s a Christian.

ERICA- Hey, if I’m gonna fling, might as well fling with a man of God!

TAMMY- Fling?? I can’t believe you’re talking this way. Might as well go throw yourselves at some sex-crazed SECULAR rock stars.

CHARITY- What?

ERICA- No way.

CHARITY- We don’t wanna have sex with him.

ERICA- Just a lil making out.

CHARITY- Or a lot.

ERICA- But no sex.

CHARITY- I’m saving that for my husband.

ERICA- Or that guy from Relient K.

TAMMY- You guys are ridiculous! Why even come to a Christian concert if this is the way you feel?

ERICA- Tammy, hun, why are you here?

CHARITY- You don’t even like his music that much.

TAMMY- I do so.

CHARITY- How many albums of his do you have?

TAMMY- None.

CHARITY- How many songs do you know by heart?

TAMMY- None.

CHARITY- Not a single one! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

TAMMY- Okay, so I don’t listen to his music that much. But you have to admit, his music’s a little lacking.

ERICA- Well of course it’s lacking. He’s in Christian music!

CHARITY- Mediocrity reigns here, not true artistry.

TAMMY- So why do you all listen to it?

ERICA- Because he’s cute.

CHARITY- And my mother won’t let me put posters of non-believers over my bed.

ERICA- Which leads us back to you.

CHARITY- Why did you come here?

TAMMY- To… to worship God?

ERICA- Sure. If you say so.

TAMMY- I do say so! I love God. And Jeremy. And Jeremy loves God, and I…

CHARITY- Tammy, There’s only one thing worse than coming to this concert to lust after Jeremy: that’s pretending it’s not about lust.

TAMMY- It’s not… is it?

ERICA- Tammy?

Tammy thinks a moment, then turns to the stage.

TAMMY- Okay, people, bring out the Christian pin-up! Momma’s ready to have some semi-dirty thoughts!

The girls cheer.

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