The Old Book

by Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Pastor

Bernie- A single guy

Mildred- A concerned mom

David- A scared guy

Terri- A girl with questions

Extras

The Pastor is on one side of the stage at a podium. The congregation is seated facing him.

PASTOR- And so, Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist, and the Lord Jesus went out into the wilderness for forty days and forty nights. But before going, he went out and bought unto himself a copy of The Purpose Driven Life. And lo, he spent his days studying the words of the great prophet Rick Warren who, in his infinite wisdom and blessing, did help our Lord Jesus find not only the purpose of his life, but the strength to withstand the temptations of the evil one. Will the congregation rise?

Everyone in the pews stands.

PASTOR- Let us join together now, and say the Lord's prayer.

CONGREGATION- Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.

PASTOR- Let us all lift our bracelets to God, and remember to live by the four simple letters given us by the saints and martyrs... W-W-J-D. Amen.

CONGREGATION- Amen.

The congregation Extras begin to leave. Bernie approaches the Pastor.

BERNIE- Pastor? Great sermon today!

PASTOR- Why thank you, Brother Bernie. How have you been?

BERNIE- Oh much better Pastor. I felt my life was so out of control. But thanks to you, I found good advice and direction for my love life.

PASTOR- Then you read the passages I gave you?

BERNIE- I did! I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye and let me tell you… I did!

PASTOR- Hallelujah, brother!

BERNIE- Now I just need to seek out godly wisdom to be a godly man.

PASTOR- Then I know just what you need. The Seven Promises of a Promise Keeper.

BERNIE- Really?

PASTOR- I promise you, it’s the only reading you need to change your life.

BERNIE- Aw, thanks! Thanks, Pastor!

David walks up.

PASTOR- Thank you, son. I only wish more of our flock would be as wise as you and Brother David here.

DAVID- Hey, Pastor, you busy?

PASTOR- Always have time for you, David. What’s on your mind?

DAVID- Well, it’s the end of the world, Pastor.

PASTOR- Uh oh, bad relationship?

DAVID- No, I mean the literal end of the world. I saw this movie on TV the other night, and I want to know how it’s going to happen.

PASTOR- Why that’s easy. If you want to know how the world is going to end, just read the Left Behind series. You’ll be all set to face Armageddon!

DAVID- Gee!

Mildred walks up to the Pastor.

MILDRED- Hello, Pastor. I’m sorry to trouble you, but… it’s little Jimmy. I’m still having problems with him.

PASTOR- Parenting issues, huh? Did you read the First, Second, and Third books of Dobson?

MILDRED- I did, Pastor. But something came up that we didn’t expect. You see… he likes… Harry Potter!

PASTOR- Whoa… The shameful, sinful world penetrating into our very church.

MILDRED- I know. What can we do to show him the error of his ways?

PASTOR- Never fear, Mildred. Our church bookstore has five different books on the evils of the Harry Potter books. Read them to Jimmy every night before bed.

MILDRED- Thank you, Pastor.

PASTOR- And while you’re at it, pick up a copy of Pastor Falwell’s new book, SpongeBob, King of Queers.

MILDRED- Spongebob??

PASTOR- Yes! We can never be too careful!

MILDRED- Thank you!

Terri walks by.

PASTOR- Hello, Terri. Are you feeling okay?

TERRI- Not really, Pastor.

PASTOR- Aww, still doubting your faith?

TERRI- Yeah.

PASTOR- Have you finished reading the Colson books?

TERRI- Yes.

PASTOR- And the McDowell anthology I gave you?

TERRI- I did. It’s good stuff but… well, I just feel like I need more proof.

BERNIE- Proof? Those books didn’t give you enough evidence to believe?

TERRI- No they didn’t. But…

PASTOR- But what?

TERRI- Well, Pastor, something struck me when I was reading last night. You see, one of the books mentioned another book… and ancient book… I think it was called, The Bible?

MILDRED- The what?

TERRI- It was called the Bible. And from what I read… it’s a book not written by a pastor or an expert, but God himself!

BERNIE- Whoa!! God wrote a book?

MILDRED- What’s it called again?

PASTOR- Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Children, flock of mine, let’s not lose our heads over this book.

BERNIE- But if it was written by God himself, how valuable would that be?

PASTOR- Trust me, it’s not that good. All the good parts were made into Veggie Tales cartoons. What more do you need?

TERRI- Are you kidding? I’m tired of taking someone else’s word for it. I’m dying to hear directly from God as to whether or not he loves me.

MILDRED- You don’t suppose God had anything to say about parenting, did he?

BERNIE- Or dating?

PASTOR- Look, folks, if we’re going to start going back to old books like the Bible, we might as well take out the Powerpoint computer and sing songs out of the Hymnals.

DAVID- Songs??? Is that what is in those dusty old books?

TERRI- Pastor, I am shocked. You tell us all the time to get to know God better. We need to seek God for purpose, for guidance in relationships, for guidance with finances… Is it really enough to always read what others have to say and never hear from God himself?

Pastor steps forward to the audience.

PASTOR- Wait a minute… maybe she’s right. Maybe we have become fools, trading gold for clay by putting down our Bibles and relying on the latest Christian bestsellers. Perhaps we rely too much on self-help style texts with catchy titles and tie-in compilation CD’s and not enough on the word of God. Perhaps it’s time we close the Christian bookstores and open our Bibles. We should return to memorizing scripture, finding wisdom in chapter and verse instead of fill in the blank study guides. Perhaps this new-found thirst for God’s word will lead to a new age, a revival! It’ll be like the Holy Spirit coming down to Earth all over again… (dramatic pause, then with a shrug) Naaah!!

Blackout.

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