THE BOB SKIT

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Cate- A bank teller

Mr. Morris- Bank manager

Mrs. Pickett- A customer, a Pythonesque old lady

Ed- A desperate man

George, Warren, Chuck, Dwayne, Leroy- Cops

Mom- Bob's Mom

Bob

The setting is a bank lobby. Cate is at the counter. Mrs. Pickett enters.

CATE- Morning, Mrs. Pickett.

PICKETT- Morning.

CATE- What can we do for you?

PICKETT- Need a deposit slip, please. I have a deposit to make.

CATE- Certainly. Deposit slips are on the table over there. Just bring it up when you're ready.

Mrs. Pickett walks to the table to do her business. Ed enters, dragging/carrying an enormous duffel bag. He makes his way to the counter.

CATE- Good morning.

ED- Hey.

CATE- What can I do for you?

ED- (slips her a note) Read it. It's self-explanatory.

CATE- (reads, eyes get big) Oh my... Is this for real?

ED- Yes it is.

CATE- A bomb?!?

ED- Keep your voice down!

CATE- Please, please don't hurt me!

ED- Just start filling a bag with money.

Cate starts filling a bag with cash. Mr. Morris walks out, and sees this happening, and walks to thr counter.

MORRIS- Cate, is everything okay?

CATE- Yes, sir, it's fine.

MORRIS- What do we have? Looks like a substantial withdrawl.

CATE- Yes.

MORRIS- I have to authorize any withdrawl over ten thousand dollars.

CATE- Sir? (hands him the note) I think you better.

MORRIS- What's this? "I am a desperate man. Do as I say. Give me all your cash. I have a..." Is this for real?

ED- Yes!

CATE- He has a bomb!

MORRIS- No he doesn't! That says Bob.

CATE- It says bomb!

MORRIS- No it doesn't. Look, B-O-B, Bob, no bomb.

ED- Look stop analyzing the note! I'm a desperate man.

MORRIS- Are you trying to trick us?

ED- Not at all!

MORRIS- So what's with the Bob threat?

ED- Just give me what I want, and stop arguing!

MORRIS- I'm afraid I can't do that.

ED- All right. You asked for it.

Ed opens the bag. Cate screams and hides her eyes. Ed pulls Bob out of the bag, and slings him over his shoulder, facing backwards.

CATE- What the-- Who is--

MORRIS- Sir, what is that thing?

ED- What's it look like?

Ed turns so Bob is facing Mr. Morris.

BOB- Hi, I'm Bob.

Ed turns again.

MORRIS- My gosh, he's serious.

ED- That's right! Now give me what I want, and no one gets hurt!

Cate starts to fill a bag with money, as Mrs. Pickett gets in line behind Ed.

PICKETT- Here now, what's all this?

ED- Back off, I'm robbing a bank.

PICKETT- And who are you?

BOB- I'm Bob.

PICKETT- I hope you're with him, I haven't got all day to wait.

CATE- Here you are, sir. Now please hurry, before--

ED- Before what?

George, Warren, Chuck, Dwayne, and Leroy enter, guns drawn.

GEORGE- Nobody move!

ED- You called the cops?

CATE- I didn't think the Bob threat was serious!

PICKETT- Who the blazes are you?

GEORGE- Bob Squad, ma'am!

The cops flash their backs to the audience. Their shirts say "Bob Squad."

PICKETT- You're putting me on!

GEORGE- Sir, put down the Bob and surrender. There's no hope for you.

ED- You'll never stop me, copper!

GEORGE- Relax, sir! No one wants to hurt anyone!

BOB- I know I don't!

ED- You stay out of this.

GEORGE- (on radio) Suspect is resisting. Send in his mother.

ED- Send in who?

Mom enters.

MOM- Eddie?

ED- Momma!!

MOM- Eddie, what do you think you're doing? You put that filthy thing down at once and surrender like a good boy.

ED- But Momma, the bank will take our house.

MOM- Oh let 'em have it. So long as I have you and your brothers, we'll find a way.

ED- Really? Can I keep my He-Man toys too?

MOM- Of course.

ED- Okay, Momma. Okay.

Ed puts down Bob. He puts his hands up.

ED- I surrender.

Leroy shoots Ed. Leroy, Chuck, Dwayne, and Warren surround Bob.

GEORGE- Right, thanks for the help. Sorry about your son.

MOM- Not to worry, I have three others look just like him.

Mom exits.

GEORGE- How's it coming, boys?

CHUCK- Not to worry!

The Bob Squad parts. Bob is in the center, with his arms tucked into his shirt.

CHUCK- The Bob has been disarmed.

PICKETT- Get outta here! All that for a lousy pun?

GEORGE- You can go back to your business, ladies and gentlemen. The crisis is over.

CATE- Can I take that deposit, Mrs. Pickett?

PICKETT- No way. This is a silly sketch, and I am getting out of it.

GEORGE- Which way are you headed?

PICKETT- I dunno yet. But I think I am gonna go beat up the playwright.

WARREN- Hey, that sounds like fun. You know where he is?

DWAYNE- I heard he was in Madagascar.

PICKETT- Madagascar?? A playwright in Madagascar?

GEORGE- Dwayne, is he really in Madagascar, or did the playwright make you say that to save his oen neck?

DWAYNE- Who cares? If he's not there, we can still see the animals.

GEORGE- You're right. Off to Madagascar!

The cops pick Mrs. Pickett up on their shoulders and carry her out.

CATE- Sir, all our business is gone.

MORRIS- Oh well, lunch everyone. I think I'll have soup today.

Blackout.

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