Assassins for Jesus

by Jack Hall

Dedicated to Pat Robertson

CHARACTERS

Pat Masterson - Televangelist

Blake "The Snake" Tilton - Christian assassin

WARNING: This skit contains sarcasm. If you take this seriously at all, you need your head examined. And if you believe the things spoken by the characters in this skit, you REALLY need help!

A glorious hymn plays. Lights up on a ritzy television set where Pat sits.

PAT- Hello, and welcome to the Glory to God Hour. I'm Pat Masterson. We are truly blessed today to have a dear friend of Glory to God as our guest. He traveled the world for the last 13 years doing the mighty work of the Lord. We know him as the Assassin for Jesus. Here is Blake the Snake Tilton!

Blake enters, looking like Dog the Bounty Hunter but with an obnoxiously large cross around his neck.

PAT- Blake, it's good to see you.

BLAKE- You wouldn't be saying that if you were a dirty sinner.

PAT- That's right, Blake is not a man you want to see show up on your doorstep. But if Blake shows up, you probably did something sinful to get him there.

BLAKE- Darn right.

PAT- Now, Blake, I understand you just got back from Africa. How was it?

BLAKE- A thousand blessings, Pat. We went over there to shoot some communists trying to rob people of democracy and liberty. And while we were there, we happened to come across a medical team from the UN performing abortions, so, uh, we shot us some doctors too.

PAT- Hallelujah.

BLAKE- Right on!

PAT- You know, I'm really glad you're here today, Blake, because it gives me a chance to speak out on a few things. Recently, as you know, I called for the US government to assassinate a certain communist dictator to our south.

BLAKE- Praise the Lord.

PAT- And ever since, the people in the liberal media have accused me of being a hypocrite and a bad Christian.

BLAKE- For shame!

PAT- They call us hate mongers, and they've made the most outrageous claims, saying that what we really want is to kill everyone that doesn't agree with us.

BLAKE- Blasphemy!!

PAT- But I'm here to tell you, we love God. And we do not want to kill EVERYone that disagrees with us.

BLAKE- Love thy neighbor.

PAT- Just the communists.

BLAKE- Amen!

PAT- And abortion doctors.

BLAKE- Preach it!

PAT- Radical muslims.

BLAKE- Praise the Lord!

PAT- Not so radical muslims.

BLAKE- Yes, Lord.

PAT- Liberal democrats.

BLAKE- I hear ya!

PAT- Not so liberal democrats.

BLAKE- Go on!

PAT- Liberal republicans.

BLAKE- Teach it!

PAT- Gay republicans.

BLAKE- Hallelujah.

PAT- Anyone else who is gay.

BLAKE- Tell it!

PAT- Jehovah's Witnesses.

BLAKE- Kill 'em all!

PAT- Mormons.

BLAKE- Amen on that.

PAT- People who teach evolution.

BLAKE- Lies, pastor!

PAT- Rock musicians.

BLAKE- The devil's music!

PAT- The French.

BLAKE- Sodom and Gomorrah!

PAT- The entire cast of Desperate Housewives.

BLAKE- Jezebel!!

PAT- Anyone working on the Da Vinci Code movie.

BLAKE- Opie must perish!

PAT- But that's all, people. We don't want to kill everyone that disagrees with us!

BLAKE- Tolerance, pastor!

PAT- We don't want to kill Lutherans!

BLAKE- I do... Unless they were immersed.

PAT- But let's face it, the world would be a better place if these people were dead, right?

BLAKE- It's paradise, pastor.

PAT- Now, Blake, you're headed out on another mission trip next week.

BLAKE- That's why I'm here, Pastor. I can't say where we're going for obvious reasons, but in order to make this trip a success, we need your support.

PAT- That's right, folks. Blake needs your help. And for only a $10 donation, you can purchase a bullet, a holy bullet, to be used in the service of the Lord to assassinate a sinner.

BLAKE- That's right.

PAT- Or, for a donation of $150, you can buy a fully-loaded clip of automatic weapons ammo.

BLAKE- And if I can add something pastor, we really prefer those fully-loaded clips of ammo. Medical technology has made it possible for people to live through even the most devastating headshots, so the more bullets we have to pump into a commie or a liberal or whatever, the deader we can kill them.

PAT- We have to take a break, but when we come back, we'll tell you how to make that donation to buy ammo for Jesus. Then we'll ask Blake the Snake Tilton to give us an update on his efforts to stop that Jezebel J.K. Rowling from finishing her Satanic book series, Harry Potter. Stay tuned.

The theme song plays, set fades out.

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