By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Announcer

Gwen- Infomercial babe

Dick- A prosperity gospel preacher

Diana- A working, single mother of two

Infomercial theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER: The following is a paid advertisement.

GWEN: Are you tired of living paycheck to paycheck? Tired of medical bills and struggling to pay the mortgage? Do you wonder if there's a better life for you? Well there is a better way! That's right! God has a better plan for your life, and you can learn all about it when you order this exciting new book, "How to Make God Work for You!" And here to tell you all about the book is the author, and pastor of Prosperity Megachurch and Theme Park, Dick Dallas!

GWEN: Dick, this seems too good to be true. Can God really go to work for me?

DICK: Yes he can, Gwen! God's desire is for all of us to have the good life, a life free of financial worry and sickness.

GWEN: That sounds too good to be true.

DICK: Haha, it does, doesn't it? A lot of pastors want to make you think you're nothing but an unworthy sinner, and that you should be thankful for whatever you get. But that's not the Jesus I know! He suffered and died so you don't have to!

GWEN: That's amazing.

DICK: But don't take my word for it. Let's ask Diana, a single, working mother of two who was down on her luck before she put God to work for her!

GWEN: Okay!

DIANA: Hi, I'm Diana. I am a single, working mother of two who was down on my luck. My kids were sick. My phone was ringing night and day from bill collectors. I couldn't even afford a Nintendo for my kids at Christmas. Then I bought Dick's book, "How to Put God to Work for You." God got rid of my bills, cured my kids, and even provided a great Christmas for us! Yep, with God around, it's like having a butler, a doctor, and an accountant all rolled into one. Now if only I could get him to do the dishes.

GWEN: I wouldn't mind a little help with the dishes myself.

DICK: Well, Gwen, Jesus isn't going to do your dishes, but when you put God to work for you, you might end up affording a maid who could handle those little chores.

GWEN: But Dick, doesn't God have better things to do than wait on us hand and foot?

DICK: No way, Gwen! The Bible says God will give us everything we desire if we only ask, seek, or knock!

GWEN: Come on, Dick, this is God we're talking about. We're just his creations.

DICK: Not just creations, Gwen. The crown of his creation, the apple of his eye. He lives to serve us, Gwen, not the other way around!

GWEN: But Dick, doesn't the Bible say we'll have to suffer to follow Christ?

DICK: The Bible talks a lot of funny things, Gwen. We don't believe in bigamy or slavery any more, do we?

GWEN: (laughs) No, we sure don't. But look at all the martyrs and people suffering for their faith around the world in nations like China and Africa. What do you say to these people, Dick?

DICK: The same thing I tell my congregation every Sunday. If you want to be a martyr and suffer for Jesus, you go right ahead. But if you want to live victoriously, then pick up your phone and order a copy of my book today.

GWEN: Sounds good, Dick, but how much does it cost?

DICK: Gwen, if you went into Barnes and Noble or Borders, you could expect to pay as much as $300 for this book. But through this special TV offer, you can get "How to Put God to Work for You" for only $79.95.

GWEN: $79.95? That's amazing.

DICK: It gets even better. Because with every copy of "How to Put God to Work for You" sold, we're going to include the gift of salvation, free!

GWEN: Free?

DICK: That's right, Gwen! God's blessings in hard cover, and the gift of salvation, can be yours for only $79.95. 


GWEN: You'd have to be a fool to pass up that offer.

DICK: You know what, though, Gwen? I don't think it's enough. If you order in the next 30 minutes, we're going to send you two books: one for you, one for a friend. That's double the blessings, double the salvation.

GWEN: That's amazing! How can you be so generous?

DICK: Gwen, the Lord has blessed me. He has blessed me so much I can't help but give a little back-- (starts to cry) I'm sorry, just give me a moment.

GWEN: Oh, Dick, you go ahead and cry.

DICK: Look, folks, I'm no Bible scholar. Heck, I had three semesters of community college before I left to start this church. But I do know this: if the Lord can bless me with good health, a big family, a summer home in Florida, a ski chalet in Colorado, three new cars, a private jet, and my own minor league ball club, he can do the same for each and every one of you!

GWEN: And it all starts with one phone call. Just pick up the phone and dial 1-888-555-DICK to get two copies of Dick's book. And remember, with every book, you get the gift of salvation absolutely free. Visa and Mastercard accepted. And don't forget to ask for our catalog of T-shirts, bumper stickers, and other divinely inspired gifts.

DICK: Buy my book today, and watch God cure your cancer and pay off your debt tomorrow!

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Copyright 2008 by Sunday School Dropouts